The days after someone dies….

This entry was posted on Friday, August 25th, 2017 at 9:51 AM and is filed under Becoming

“When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found.”

An old Sufi aphorism

 

NOTE: This post is an excerpt from my book, Cancer as a love story: Developing the mindset for living, slated to be released this fall:

 

My friend’s death hit me harder than expected, bringing me to some raw places of my soul that I thought I healed.  Initially, there were the “life-in-review” moments:  “Did I do enough to help or show I care?”

Then, there was the survivor guilt. “How come cancer took her life and I am alive?”

Moving through day three of grief, I realized I would never see my friend, Joan, again.  The finality of her passing flooded me with emotions, from sadness over the loss to joy at remembering fun moments together.

Her death also reminded me of my own mortality, triggering me back to that stressful day more than five years ago when I first got diagnosed with breast cancer. All sorts of new doubts began creeping in:  “Will my wellness routine work?”  “Have I done enough to keep my body cancer-free?”

Upon first getting diagnosed with cancer, I took life by the reins and chose to live as fully and healthily as possible.  Yet, I have not always been able to stay on track, even though I probably live healthier than 90 percent of the population.  “Will that 10 percent of imperfection impact my longevity?” I wondered.

 

 

After wallowing in sorrow, fear and low vibration energies for a few days, I regrouped by reminding myself what I did in handling the grief of Joan was healthy. I believe in staying positive and practicing the popular “Law of Attraction” principles, which maintain our thoughts and feelings create our lives.

Still, I know personally, and as a transformational coach, that we don’t jump through grief (or other negative emotions, particularly those hardwired into us from earlier conditioning) to higher levels of gratitude and joy in an instant.  We must feel our negative emotions in order to release them (as verified by Dr. David Hawkins in his superb book, Letting Go:  The Pathway to Surrender, which I continually reference in my book).

With Joan’s death, I did not do what at first might have appeared easier, and distract myself from feeling my feelings by emerging in work or other activities.  No, I let the hurt and sadness flow through me and honestly articulated what I was feeling.  Some people could not handle the less-than-positive side of me and disappeared.  Other friends were lovingly supportive and non-judgmental.

I moved slowly and pampered myself as I was releasing these heavier emotions.  At the end of the day yesterday, I swam for an hour, taking breaks to sit by the edge of the pool and just float in silence.  The rippling water from the movement of my body, as I gently swayed my legs in front, gave me a sense of being hugged and rocked like a baby.

I returned home from the pool and meditated for an hour, before drifting off into one of the best night’s sleep in a long while.

This morning, when I got up and walked, I felt at peace, grateful for a new day, and expanded in and re-committed to my life purpose.

Dr. Hawkins is right:  When we take the time to feel our negative emotions as they occur, and release them, we open to the higher feel-good energies like compassion, joy and love.

What better gift to give those who pass on but a deepening of our own love so we can better serve those who are alive?

In honor and respect,

Gail

If you would like to be placed on the announcement list of my book’s release, please email me at gailjones@supportmatters.com.  

(Please note also that my blog posts will continue to appear sporadically, rather than on a regular schedule, through the final editing stages of my book.)

 

My friend, Catherine Russell, captured the above photo of the white hydrangea in downtown Newburyport, MA. The image represents to me the sacredness of the grieving process.

 

 

 

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6 Responses to “The days after someone dies….”

  • Hi Gail,
    This year was an especially difficult year of dealing with death. My brother, Steve, who was the closest among my 8 brothers, died of cancer after a 3 year battle. It was difficult to deal with the loss of a man who was the picture of health at all times. He left behind a legacy of a great family and loyal friends.
    Your words – as usual – reflect the feelings that many go through in dealing with the unfairness of death.
    Thank you.
    Dick

  • Gail Kauranen Jones:

    Dick: I am so sorry for you loss, and remember reading your words of remembrance for your brother, which were so beautiful. Yes, death can feel “unfair,” yet we can honor those who pass on by loving even more each day, no matter what our circumstances. Bless you, friend. Gail

  • Lyndra Hearn Antonson:

    Gail, thanks for writing about such important but challenging topics like loss and grief. Loss and grief are such a consistent part of life for all of us. And like with other “negative” feelings, we’re so much better off by feeling and honoring them before we move onto gratitude. Lyndra

  • Gail Kauranen Jones:

    Lyndra: I appreciate how you share the universality of loss, and the “normalcy” of needing to move through it before coming to gratitude. Bless you, Gail

  • Gail,
    For 6 years I have been actively involved with a local group GNOCA Greater Newburyport
    Ovarian Cancer Awareness. Recently, I received news that one of our lovely volunteers going through treatments is now with hospice…
    I feel so helpless and sad. I am sitting at the beach with tears streaming down my face knowing it is a grief cleansing… that I must sit with and not try to avoid its pain.

    Once again, I thank you.
    Heartfelt appreciation
    AMS

  • Gail Kauranen Jones:

    Dearest Ann Marie: I am so sorry for your grief, and commend you for so intuitively knowing to go sit at the beach, and let the tears flow. Being near water and in nature is so healing. Grief is different for everyone, and often comes in spurts. What helped me in earlier years through the devastating loss of my father, who I loved so dearly, was to schedule time to grieve. I allowed for at least 20 minutes a day to let the grief flow me, like a river. Anytime I felt the huge anxiety of loss, it was a reminder to me to STOP and feel my feelings, for often anxiety is repressed emotion. If we don’t feel the pain, it often comes back later. By honoring the sorrow as it appears, we can accelerate the healing process.

    Also, it so important to be extra gentle and loving towards ourselves when in grief–it’s a time to “be” more, and not focus on all the doing. Big hugs, friend. Gail

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