June 18, 2008 |
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Monthly Support For Manifesting Change Helping You |
Teacher, Author & Life Coach |
| THE COURAGE TO LOVE …becoming open-hearted |
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**** “How did the rose Too Frightened.” **** Stumbling through dating, not sure how to play the game in midlife, I've skinned my knees a few times. My biggest bruise, self-inflicted, was taking personally the men who disappeared after seemingly sharing a joyful time together or who disengaged after expressing vulnerability. As I progressed further in healing my own wounded heart, I came to understand that a person’s inability to be emotionally present, physically affectionate or follow through as promised says more about another’s character or fear of loving than about me. However, I attracted those types of people for a long while because, like them, I was living with a guarded heart. One way of protecting myself from hurt was hiding behind my work identity as a way to keep people at a distance while still raw from divorce. My other barrier was setting rigidly high standards that would virtually ensure no one could pass the test of compatibility. I’ve been judged equally harshly by others, knowing I was eliminated as a potential partner because I have children, don’t look like a size zero super model, or was older or younger than anticipated. Slowly—with the kindness and patience of my inner circle of women friends, gifted guides and children who loved me unconditionally—I began removing some of my walls. Having people listen to me with compassion when I was hurt, scared or overwhelmed helped me trust that people would “be there” for me as I have been for so many others. Manifesting Anew I know now that whether someone has traveled the world or never left New England, become a CEO or works three jobs to support a family, says nothing about a person’s ability to love. In becoming more open, yet discerning, I’ve refined my values--choosing increasingly to be with those who live from the heart more than the head and view life with a sense of abundance. Motivation, spontaneity and attentiveness spur enlivened relationships for me as well. To generously and freely love another authentically, we must first love ourselves. I am beginning to see these open-hearted people appear more frequently. The hints I look for now are those who take time for inner reflection and exquisite self-care whether they get a massage, take morning beach walks or play hooky once in awhile. They are generally positive people who are fun to be with because they enjoy their lives. And they can talk with depth sometimes or be light-hearted with an energy that feels joyful. In dating, I opt for the men more willing to risk showing excitement about getting to know one another rather than hold back. A man’s ability to share his feelings also tells me a lot about whether his heart is open or closed. Those with the time, flexibility and desire for relationship are extra special. Still, many of us are a little frightened starting over. In pacing relationships, whether with friends or a potential partner, I look for someone who can respect the tenderness of my newly opened heart, and know their actions (or inactions) impact me. I learn and respond best through gentleness. Guarded hearts, which I once thought were challenging or even safe because you can’t get too close, are simply lonely encounters now. It hurts to be shut out. Being with people who are emotionally generous, fun, take personal responsibility and are willing to go the extra mile is my new game plan.
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| Featured Article | ||
Be Love |
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Our basic nature is love. Somewhere along the way--through abandonment, neglect, abuse, betrayal, loss of a loved one or some other wounding--many of us lost our sense of lovability. Taking personal responsibility for healing those hurts when we project them onto others is key to true love, I believe. We all act out occasionally, getting triggered by an event that brings us back to a vulnerable time in life. Yet, our partners, bosses, friends, co-workers, children and other acquaintances are not responsible for healing the original wound. We are. One of the quickest ways to heal is to practice BEING LOVE. In the presence of someone who has hurt or angered you, simply reclaim your essence. Rather than react, take time to ground yourself before responding. In some cases, you may choose not to engage with those who try to bring you into their personal dramas. Bless them instead. With compassion, send them loving thoughts, knowing their actions are a reflection of their own pain. During a particularly trying week when I felt I was the recipient of several other people’s projected wounds, a friend sent me the attached article about The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. |
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BELIEF TIPS OF THE MONTH: |
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COMING NEXT MONTH: July’s feature article will be “Integrating Fun.” |
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To contact Gail: |
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