December 5 , 2007 |
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Monthly Support
& Guidance For Manifesting Change From The Inside Out Helping You |
Teacher, Author & Life Coach |
A note from Gail: It's a busy month to write and hope you'll read such a lengthy newsletter. However, the topic of "Being There" is a culmination of my life's experiences and insights, which led me to finding my purpose. And when we live from purpose, we are often passionate. May my passion help guide you in some way. |
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| "BEING THERE " | |||
**** **** Parenting confession: I missed one—only one—of my son’s Little League games last year. And it was THE ONE when he hit his first home run. I missed it to take his sister to another event we had planned before my son’s game was scheduled. My son understood, but he was sad still that his mother didn’t see his first home run. I was sad also for I remember when I played tennis in high school, and was chosen to be the number one singles player, no one ever came to my games. I’ve learned through my healing journey, and subsequent coach training, that our deepest wounds often become our gifts, our life’s callings. Growing up un-mothered, and enduring the excruciating loneliness and terror of wondering if anyone would be there for me, I often had intense anxiety about being abandoned. I acted out my pain in many ways from being super-independent, and not allowing myself to need anyone, to becoming clingy and overly dependent on those who cared for me. Finally, I began embracing healthy inter-dependence, which enabled me to open my heart again in new ways and trust receiving. I came to this sense of feeling grounded and centered by learning how to “be there” for myself. Purpose During the lean years when I could not buy my children what others in our affluent community have, I like to think that I instilled a sense of inner security in my children by choices I made to “be there” throughout their childhoods. I was an at-home mother for all their early years, working part-time only when my former husband could be there for them the times I was out. When my former husband and I co-owned a gourmet bread shop and bakery (before the days of Panera Bread) we were asked to consider a lucrative deal to expand our European bread concept into three other locales. We declined, knowing with one store, one of us could always “be there” for the children. With four stores total, we would be spread too thin. To supplement my income, and add diversity and socialization to the intensity of the in-depth coaching I offer, I work part-time in a team. I am the new market development manager for a leading interior design firm that specializes in creating enriching environments for living, healing and working. This second job is not only in alignment with my expertise, passions, skill set and values, but it gives me flexibility to continue to “be there” for my children. Tradeoffs My commute now is seventeen miles, some of which is a leisurely and lovely ride along the Merrimack River. On the afternoon when I cannot be there when my children return from school, I have hired a woman, also a mother, to be at my home. She cooks, does laundry and carpools for my children. Options Some have hired nannies to support them, and others have chosen to do the carpooling themselves so they can stay connected to their children. Some people believe we have our most bonding moments with our children, especially teenagers, when we are alone in the car with them. As inconvenient as it is to drive them everywhere, it’s an opportunity that should not be easily delegated. Finding the right balance of “being there” is a continual challenge. Some parents who were totally there for their children sometimes find in mid-life that a part of themselves got lost along the way, that they gave too much to others. In seeking new passions, they may look for a job outside the home. Yet, choosing to return to the paid workforce can be frustrating as there are no roadmaps for how to recreate ourselves and our careers post-children. We were only trained to find work post-college, and the rules have changed (as have our skills). Compassion I hear their stories of being thrust into solo breadwinner positions without training or adequate childcare support with great compassion. For as Hillary Clinton’s book says, “It Takes A Village to Raise a Child.” None of us should be doing this work alone, and our society has failed miserably in creating communities of support for parents. And single parents are often out on a limb. This holiday season give yourself a break. Find a way to “be there” for yourself. I stopped exchanging presents with my friends. Instead of spending time shopping for their gift, I share their company. Meeting for breakfast, a lunch date, an after-work drink, or a long leisurely walk, feel more nurturing to me these days than anything that comes from a store, a catalog or online (unless of course it’s a pampering all-day trip to a local spa…hint, hint). Wishing you a heart-centered and joy-filled holiday season.
Gail |
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Featured Article |
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Emotional Investments |
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“Am I loved?” and “Did I love well?” are two of the most frequently asked questions of the dying, a priest who sat by the bedside of thousands in their last days told Oprah a few years ago. To love another person, and be emotionally present to him or her, often requires not only skill, but sacrifice. It’s often easier to buy someone something than to listen deeply to what they truly need and want. It’s sometimes quicker to “do” something for someone, than to “be” with them. It’s occasionally more comfortable for those programmed to achieve, to focus more on work and financially providing than on emotionally supporting another. It’s sometimes simpler to attempt to manage the relationship than sit back and respond in a way that would be most healing to another, like calling when you say you will or, not criticizing another. Love takes thoughtful care, a generosity of spirit, where you truly extend yourself for another, sometimes moving through fear or self-absorption to “be there” for another. It also can involve not pushing someone away when they are reaching to you in the best way they know how. When I listen to my clients, especially those going through divorce, many will blame lack of attention as the reason for their marriage’s demise. I think the word most of us are craving these days is “presence”: time to be truly “heard,” really “seen” and affectionately or even passionately “touched.” We want heartfelt attention, where we “know” the person with whom we are sharing time. At midlife and beyond, surface living and superficial relationships are less appealing. We want “the real thing,” our authentic selves exposed and valued. To emotionally invest in more genuine connection, we need to risk being vulnerable, to show the less than perfect parts of ourselves to others, hoping they will embrace us for our frailties as well as our strengths. We need to open our hearts again, or perhaps for the first time, to receive from a trustworthy other what we ourselves might not have ever been given, or had, but lost. By mid-life, or after losing someone we love, we often understand quite clearly it is our relationships, not “things,” that enliven us. Invest in people by “being there” for them. The choices I made to “be there” for my children would look appalling to many financial experts if they looked at my checkbook balance the first few years of solo parenting. In earlier years at home with infants, the isolation was tough, especially for the many women I know, who like me, had no family support. Yet, when I look at my children now and how they are prospering, I see these “investments” paying off. They are both excellent students, good athletes, and thoughtful, loving, sometimes spirited (in the way that teenagers can be) contributors to our home. They make mistakes, as I have, but they carry an inner joy in their hearts and are loved unconditionally by me. It is my hope others throughout their lives will also love them for who they are, not for what they "do." |
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BELIEF TIP OF THE MONTH: |
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How are you “there” for yourself and others in your life? Do you truly know who you are without your work or external identify in the world? What makes you valuable to others? If you believe you and others would benefit more from you “being there” for yourself and others, you may want to try incorporating some of these beliefs into your relationships:
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COMING NEXT MONTH: January's feature article will be “Manifesting Anew: Laughter and Pleasure.” |
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To contact Gail: |
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