May 16, 2007
Volume One
Issue Three

As a life coach, I am often blessed with the opportunity to guide clients towards creating healthy and fulfilling relationships. Over the course of time, a key theme repeatedly shows up for those who achieve success in love: they set an INTENTION of manifesting what they want in relationship by choosing NOT to settle.

Sometimes, considerable patience was required for them to get clear and become discerning about the most important values and qualities they sought in a partner. Key to note here is the huge difference between “not settling” and seeking “perfection.” The former requires knowing your worth and what it is most important to you, and the latter involves unrealistic expectations.

Those clients who let go of “the package” of the ideal “perfect” attributes, while staying grounded in their values, often find wonderful surprises. The younger man may offer the widowed woman a playfulness she has not experienced in years or the older woman may provide the entrepreneur a wisdom he did not access in his fast-track career. The man who is childless, who once enjoyed the freedom of being a bachelor, may welcome the joys of family a woman with young children provides. A man who works in the trades may be more available to help a woman raise her children than the professional who travels all the time, even though she once thought her mate had to be “corporate.”

I’ve also witnessed clients receive huge increases in financial prosperity, by not settling for the first, or second job offer, even when this waiting pushed them to an uncomfortable place where they were briefly panicked about money. Stretching to a new income level often requires the same type of inner work of determining our value to ourselves before seeking it elsewhere.

Friendships and business relationships become more fulfilling, too, when we declare our value and then intentionally surround ourselves with like-minded others who respect us.

Often, when we’re in a major life transition—such as a career change, divorce or death of a loved one—we initially feel vulnerable. To ease the discomfort, some of us may look to another to fulfill us and make us feel safe. Scared of being alone in our pain, we may overlook “red flags,” “willing” that another be the right partner for us rather than doing the inner work required to change past patterns that did not satisfy us before. I’ve heard many who I have coached through divorce, for example, say now in retrospect that even in the beginning of their relationship with their former partner, they “knew” something was missing. Ignoring their inner guidance resulted, years later, in the pain of unraveling their mismatch.

It takes discipline, courage and strength to push through empty moments, embrace uncertainty and learn to be grounded in oneself before adding a partner to our lives or asking our current partner, or even parts of ourselves, to show up in relationship in a new way. The reward is a more authentic, fulfilling relationship where both partners can thrive.

Choosing not to settle is a great way to claim your worth. So if you hear that little voice in your head say something doesn’t quite feel right, or you feel an ache or discomfort in the pit of your stomach, stop and ask yourself: What do I need to listen to here? If you are evaluating a new person as a possible partner or trying to bring your existing committed relationship to the next level, you might also ask: Does this relationship enliven me? Does it serve my highest good? If not, ask: What is it that I need from another in relationship to be content? What do I need to strengthen within myself to be a more loving partner? The clearer you become, the more you are able to create the relationship you want.

A conscious relationship is…“One that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; a relationship created by being conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives to be safe, to be healed, to be whole.”

—Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want

Whether you are looking for a new relationship or seeking to deepen the one you are in, you will increase your fulfillment in partnership with another by taking responsibility for becoming the most loving person you can be. You cannot fully receive the love of another if you don’t feel it within yourself first.

We all have a light and dark side, which means we bring both our gifts and our wounds to relationship. During initial courting, we often project only the “best” of us to one another. Then, over time, some of our frailties emerge. For example, the shy kid we were in high school may appear suddenly years later when brought to a new social situation. Our partner, who only knew us as brilliant, may be caught off-guard by this previously unnoticed insecurity.

Unknown to many of us, we also bring to relationship many subconscious beliefs that were created during the first five to seven years of life. And we bring with us the parents who modeled relationship to us. According to Harville Hendrix, in Getting the Love You Want, we often subconsciously choose partners who are like our most dysfunctional parent. So, a man who may have felt suffocated by his rigid mother (or father) may choose as his wife a controlling woman. Or the woman with a cold, unresponsive father (or mother) may choose a distant, withdrawn man as a husband.

To change these patterns, it is helpful to create healthy new beliefs that serve you in moving forward to a more fulfilling relationship.

Here are some which you may want to try:

1. I am “there” for myself.

2. I am lovable, valuable and worthy.

3. I am desirable.

4. I am warm and loving.

5. I matter.

6. I show up for myself.

7. I choose a partner who can show up in relationship with me.

8. I can be there for another without losing myself.

9. I can assert my needs without fearing I’ll be abandoned.

10. I am compassionate and loving with the wounded parts of me, trusting my partner will walk gently with me through my vulnerabilities.

11. I take care of my “neediness” feeling whole and
complete in myself.

12. I am also surrounded by love and support.

13. I am well connected to myself.

14. I am deserving of a loving, conscious relationship.

BELIEF TIP OF THE MONTH:

Any time an issue comes up in dating or in your committed relationship, you can begin untapping your own beliefs by asking: WHAT AM I MAKING THIS MEAN ABOUT ME? Then, follow up with: How does this belief serve me? You can always choose a new, more empowering way to view yourself.

Here are some examples I hear a lot:

The man you are dating didn’t call right away. He may be very busy, but you assume he doesn’t like you. What would your underlying belief be if you thought the negative? (I’m not good enough, I don’t matter, I’m not lovable, etc.). Your reframes might be: I’m a loving, desirable woman who men value and cherish. I’m centered in myself whether or not a man follows up with me as I hoped. I’m worthy of attention, and give it to myself as well as get it from others.

The wife keeps asking her husband to share a feeling. The husband may assume she is nagging so he withdraws, while the wife was simply seeking deeper connection. What is the husband’s underlying belief (I’m getting trapped, I’m suffocated, I’m going to lose my freedom here if I share, etc.) His reframe might be: I’m safe in disclosing my feelings to my significant other so we can grow a healthier relationship. I will be embraced and respected by sharing my feelings. I will be heard and validated.

Whenever you feel angst, begin by looking within, instead of allowing another to define your happiness. Coming from your own center first and acknowledging your part in a relationship’s success will help you co-create with another a fulfilling partnership.

COMING NEXT MONTH:

June’s feature article: “Embracing Play and Surrender”

To contact Gail:
(978) 887-1911

gail.kjones@verizon.net

www.supportmatters.com
View Newsletter Archive