Blog: BECOMING YOU--Your authentic self

The days after someone dies….
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Friday, August 25th, 2017

“When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the soul laughs for what it has found.”

An old Sufi aphorism

 

NOTE: This post is an excerpt from my book, Cancer as a love story: Developing the mindset for living, slated to be released this fall:

 

My friend’s death hit me harder than expected, bringing me to some raw places of my soul that I thought I healed.  Initially, there were the “life-in-review” moments:  “Did I do enough to help or show I care?”

Then, there was the survivor guilt. “How come cancer took her life and I am alive?”

Moving through day three of grief, I realized I would never see my friend, Joan, again.  The finality of her passing flooded me with emotions, from sadness over the loss to joy at remembering fun moments together.

Her death also reminded me of my own mortality, triggering me back to that stressful day more than five years ago when I first got diagnosed with breast cancer. All sorts of new doubts began creeping in:  “Will my wellness routine work?”  “Have I done enough to keep my body cancer-free?”

Upon first getting diagnosed with cancer, I took life by the reins and chose to live as fully and healthily as possible.  Yet, I have not always been able to stay on track, even though I probably live healthier than 90 percent of the population.  “Will that 10 percent of imperfection impact my longevity?” I wondered.

 

 

After wallowing in sorrow, fear and low vibration energies for a few days, I regrouped by reminding myself what I did in handling the grief of Joan was healthy. I believe in staying positive and practicing the popular “Law of Attraction” principles, which maintain our thoughts and feelings create our lives.

Still, I know personally, and as a transformational coach, that we don’t jump through grief (or other negative emotions, particularly those hardwired into us from earlier conditioning) to higher levels of gratitude and joy in an instant.  We must feel our negative emotions in order to release them (as verified by Dr. David Hawkins in his superb book, Letting Go:  The Pathway to Surrender, which I continually reference in my book).

With Joan’s death, I did not do what at first might have appeared easier, and distract myself from feeling my feelings by emerging in work or other activities.  No, I let the hurt and sadness flow through me and honestly articulated what I was feeling.  Some people could not handle the less-than-positive side of me and disappeared.  Other friends were lovingly supportive and non-judgmental.

I moved slowly and pampered myself as I was releasing these heavier emotions.  At the end of the day yesterday, I swam for an hour, taking breaks to sit by the edge of the pool and just float in silence.  The rippling water from the movement of my body, as I gently swayed my legs in front, gave me a sense of being hugged and rocked like a baby.

I returned home from the pool and meditated for an hour, before drifting off into one of the best night’s sleep in a long while.

This morning, when I got up and walked, I felt at peace, grateful for a new day, and expanded in and re-committed to my life purpose.

Dr. Hawkins is right:  When we take the time to feel our negative emotions as they occur, and release them, we open to the higher feel-good energies like compassion, joy and love.

What better gift to give those who pass on but a deepening of our own love so we can better serve those who are alive?

In honor and respect,

Gail

If you would like to be placed on the announcement list of my book’s release, please email me at gailjones@supportmatters.com.  

(Please note also that my blog posts will continue to appear sporadically, rather than on a regular schedule, through the final editing stages of my book.)

 

My friend, Catherine Russell, captured the above photo of the white hydrangea in downtown Newburyport, MA. The image represents to me the sacredness of the grieving process.

 

 

 

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Ever been called ‘too sensitive’?
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Tuesday, June 20th, 2017

“Often empaths don’t feel like they belong in this world and that’s because they have come here to create a better one.”

–Judith Orloff, MD, at a recent book signing in Tempe, AZ

I remember as a young girl, unable to tolerate the loud noise of fireworks at a neighbor’s July 4th party, I cried hysterically. My older brother was asked to escort me back home.

A few years later, my dad, who worked in construction, came home from work one day and shared that a son fell off a ladder and died at his father’s feet on a job site. I sobbed. I had never met the son or the father so my response surprised my dad.

No one knew then, what I have since discovered: I am an empath. Loud noises, crowds, driving on freeways, and others’ joys and sadness impact me greatly. I thrive better in quiet, serene places, being in nature, surrounded by beauty and engaging in mutually reciprocal relationships.

That I feel deeply has often been misunderstood, even though I have toughened up over the years. Others sometimes have thought me rude because I cannot stay until the end of a party if I feel over stimulated.

My sensitivity has been both a blessing to those I love, care about and coach and a curse to me in moments when I have not set appropriate boundaries of self-care and protection.

One out of five people are highly sensitive, according to research conducted by Dr. Judith Orloff for her newly released book, The Empath’s Survival Guide…Life Strategies for Sensitive People.

Empaths, however, have an extra level of sensitivity, Orloff shares in the front cover of her book, where she explains the difference between having empathy and being an empath versus being highly sensitive:

“Empathy means our heart goes out to another person in joy or pain,” writes Orloff. “But empaths actually feel others’ emotions and physical symptoms in their own bodies, without the usual defenses most people have.”

Often, as empaths, we are told that we are “too emotional” or too thin-skinned. Through our caring and vulnerable natures, we also become magnets to narcissists, who are the worst relationship partners for us, Orloff maintains. Some warning signs a person–who may first appear as charming, intelligent and caring–may be a narcissist, according to Orloff, are that he or she:

  • becomes cold and withholding if you disagree with him or her.
  • acts as if life revolves around him or her.
  • downplays others’ feelings or interests.
  • craves admirations and attention; needs constantly to be complimented.
  • always brings the conversation back to themselves.
  • has a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement.
  • lacks empathy.

Empaths tend to be more gullible, so we have to be careful not to be easily manipulated or be made “wrong” by others who cannot take responsibility for their actions.

Recently, in prelude to a healing service I was attending, the man introducing the spiritual teacher that was going to lead the chapel sermon that day, said this:

“Hurting people hurt others.”

Learning to set boundaries and step aside from attacks of others’ misdirected anger has been one of my toughest lessons as an empath. It is my nature to want to send love, compassion and nurturance when someone is hurting.

“The goal for all empaths is to lead more comfortable lives by learning how to stop soaking up negative energy,” Orloff writes in her book. “We may instinctively want to take away another’s pain, but that’s not healthy for us.”

BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO CAN CELEBRATE YOU

Orloff suggests empaths look for relationships where we can be celebrated and honored for our sensitivities, which allow us to love deeply as aware and vulnerable beings.

Other gifts of empaths can include our ability to perceive the big picture on a deep level and experience exquisite passion, joy, and beauty.

We are often considerate, tolerant, generous, devoted, kind and take good care of each other, Orloff noted at her book signing a few months ago in Tempe, AZ.

“You need to have loved ones who care and know about your feelings, and who can respect your need for alone time,” she said.

Empaths also are most comfortable with heart-centered energy and consistency, which fosters trust and acceptance, she noted later in the evening.

When empaths heals past wounds of abuse, neglect and addiction from relatives, we have the ability to change ourselves, our families (including generations of negativity) and the world, Orloff stated in her book.

In fact, she believes empaths can become the most effective agents of change, representing a new model of leadership, which this world so desperately needs. As she says in her book:

 “The earth is not an enlightened plant. It is filled with tremendous suffering as well as tremendous joy. Our role as empaths is to use our sensitivities for the greater good and to tip the balance toward the light. Empaths must become warriors of light. Don’t let the dark scare you. Trust the power of compassion. We need you to raise the vibration of the world. Children and adults change for the better when they are around others with strong, loving and sensitive energy. You can embody that. The only obstacle that keeps you from shining is fear. As empaths, it is our job to gradually heal our fears so that they don’t block our way to the light. As you do so, remember that you are not alone. You have angels and protection around you.”

In honoring the calling to serve with light,

Gail

To serendipity: My friend, Tracy McCormick, owner of LightFinder Public Relations, (and another empath—no surprise the name of her company should reflect “light”) as she develops a creative pursuit in photography took the above photo a few days before I wrote this blog post. The message appeared on the car belonging to the owners in front of their restaurant, Local Johnny’s, Cave Creek, AZ.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The chaos of reinvention
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Wednesday, June 7th, 2017

“Healing yourself, whether from heartbreak, illness, addiction, family struggles, or professional disappointment, is not for the faint of heart.  

It takes serious courage—Olympic courage—to do what it takes to transform pain into gold.”— Lissa Rankin, MD.

 

Like many of us at midlife, I have reinvented myself a few times over.

I’ve changed careers from PR executive to life coach, relationship status from married to single, and my mothering role from full-time caregiver to empty nester with a huge void in my heart to fill.

Nothing has been more painful, terrifying, exhilarating, and growth inspiring than choosing to move cross country 30 months ago to start over again. Initially, I took the risk of relocating to fulfill a promise I made to myself post cancer: Say yes to life, and live with no regret.

My body and soul needed a fresh start, and sunshine and outdoor living to continue staying healthy.

What began as an adventure of the heart–moving from Newburyport, Mass. to Scottsdale, Ariz.–became a Phoenix-rising-from-ashes experience, where I was humbled into a faith journey so deep and life-altering that it has become my third book in the works.

Dr. Lissa Rankin describes it best in the above quote when she describes this type of transformation as requiring “Olympic courage.”

I share this glimpse into my next book with you now because in my 20-plus years of coaching adults through transition, I have noticed how often others define themselves by the external change: the new home, new baby, new job, or new boyfriend. Yet, it is the inner transformation that happens as the result of the external event where growth and lives of increased vibrancy and fulfillment can occur.

The initiation into a new life

And often, that inner work entails a lot of chaos. Chaos is not a bad thing. When we let go of one way of being to become something greater or more expansive, we are honoring our soul’s prompting for growth.

In my continued training with Dr. Joe Dispenza, a leading neuroscientist whose methodologies helped train my mind to heal my body, he refers to this chaos as an initiation into a new life. He says:

“And, as things begin to break down and things don’t go your way or people betray you, things are stolen, or your bank account goes south, or whatever that is, you have to understand that it is a breaking down of the old, and you should never see it as a state of victimization because the moment you see it from a state of victimization, then you’re not 100 percent responsible for your life. And being an abundant person is taking 100 percent responsibility.”

Committing to living a life of joy, purpose and meaning, which is my goal, entails the angst of stepping out of the comfort zone of the familiar.

We are not meant to stay the same throughout our lives:

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.

If we fix on the old, we get stuck. When we hang onto any form, we are in danger of putrefaction.

Hell is life drying up.”

–Excerpt from A Joseph Campbell Companion: Reflections on the Art of Living

Feeling wobbly, vulnerable and scared is part of the journey for it takes time for the new to integrate and become solid within ourselves.

Here are five tips to move through the process for creating anew:

  1. Retreat and find time for solitude is essential. Spend as much time in nature and meditating as possible. At least 20 minutes of quiet is necessary, to allow space in your mind and heart for a new level of consciousness to evolve.
  2. Find like-minded and courageous others in transition (or who have been through a similar one as yours) who treat you with compassion, care and respect versus judgment or condemnation. You will be creating a new tribe that reflects your emerging self.
  3. Feel your feelings, and accept some days may feel like a roller coaster of emotions. Know that it is perfectly normal to fluctuate from grieving the old life you are leaving behind to embracing the joy and exhilaration of a new beginning.
  4. All growth involves risk, and not knowing what is next. You cannot create anew from the familiar. The more time you can spend lingering in the unfamiliar, the more expansive your life can become. Know new possibilities will continue to present themselves. Get out of your head more often and listen carefully with your heart which options feel most aligned with your truest, most authentic version of your self.
  5. Make time for play! The inner work of transforming a life can be grueling. Take breaks, find diversions, and experiment with new ways of being (and be forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes!).

 

Like an artist with a new paintbrush, keep dabbling in new expressions of life.

To learn more, please email me at gailjones@supportmatters.com to be placed on the notification list for when my related book is published.

In continued courage and expansive joy,

Gail

 

My talented photographer friend, Margaret Armstrong, took this picture of Gerber daises in her backyard.  She then transformed the photo, using a reverse negative process, to portray the potential vibrancy of living that comes though the natural chaos of transition. 

 

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Saying it with…wisdom this Mother’s Day
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Tuesday, May 9th, 2017

 

“I believe the choice to become a mother is the choice to become one of the greatest spiritual teachers there is.” – Oprah

 

 

Early in my coaching career, decades ago, I taught classes for new mothers. My goal was to help these moms absorb the enormity of their transition into a new parenting role and life-changing identity, and hopefully bond with each other.

Now, some of those moms have stayed my friends throughout the years of childrearing and beyond.   I’ve also picked up many other mother friends along the way.

With Mother’s Day approaching, it occurred to me that, together, these moms have such a beautiful depth of collective wisdom to offer. Many have approached the sacred role of mothering wearing many different roles.

One friend was widowed five months before her son was born. Others lost children along the way, and had to endure the tough challenge of becoming a “bereaved parent.” Two of my friends adopted children, one as a single mother, and another when she was in her mid-forties still married. A couple of my friends raised their stepchildren or grandchildren as their own.

So, wanting to share their unique insights, I polled my diverse group of mother friends and asked them ONE question:

What’s the one lesson of mothering that you would like to share?  

Here, in the order they were received, are their responses (and keep in mind, being multi-tasking and multi-dimensional as many women are, some, including me, couldn’t come up with just one gem of wisdom):

From mothers:

  • “Encourage, insist, and support your child in finding his or her passion and pursuing it, no matter what.”

        –Kim Harty, mother, West Palm Beach, FL

* * *

  • “No daughter wants to turn out like her mother. Sons are more forgiving. It’s the greatest job in the world. No qualifications are required, and the benefits are incalculable!”

         –Carol (who chose to keep her last name anonymous), Hingham, MA

* * *

  • “Remember to keep motherhood a judgment-free zone. You never know what’s going on beyond closed doors and just because it’s not the way YOU would mother, it doesn’t make it wrong. We all need to support each other, especially these days…P.S.: I wish I had followed my own advice when my boys were younger! I guess it comes with maturity, but tolerance is a beautiful thing!”

         –Sally Sherman, mother of 3 boys 24, 22 and 17, Topsfield, MA

* * * 

  •  The most important lesson I have learned in being a mother, is though I will always be THE MOTHER, I helped them shape their ‘wings.’ I’ve had to let them ‘fly’ on their own to be the person each needed and wanted to be, not what I want or expect them to be. Aside from the pain of labor, letting go is probably the hardest part, however the most rewarding, in my experience.”

    –Joyce McDonough, mother, Phoenix, AZ 

      * * * 

  • Don’t blink – These childhood days will go by faster than you can imagine. Try to live in the moment even if it is hard. Keep a journal and take pictures – you will want to remember these times. Don’t tolerate whining and tell them you love them everyday!”

         –Meg Moran, mother, Georgetown, MA

 * * *

  • “When my children were 12, 8, and 4 our family went through a divorce. Their father moved back East and sold our house in Scottsdale, AZ before I had an opportunity to purchase it. I brought the kids back before the closing so they might have an opportunity to say good-bye to their rooms and home. I held their small hands out front, and with a few tears, I shared that our family motto would now be, ‘Nothing is permanent except change’ which is my revision of Heraclitus wisdom of the ages. I feel that I’ve modeled that to them as much as possible. My oldest daughter wrote to me on my last birthday and thanked me for teaching them all ‘better ways to live.’ Motherhood is a great blessing. “

         –Tracy McCormick, mother, Carefree, AZ

 * * *

From a grandmother-to-be:

  • “Now that I’m about to become a grandmother, I’ve been thinking about this to share with my daughter-in-law as she becomes a mom. There are so many lessons that I wish my 30-year-old self knew. Perhaps most important is remembering to nurture myself. There were so many days when I felt depleted and knew that not only was I suffering as a result, but my whole family was as well. ‘Filling my tank’ with things like exercise, a walk with a friend, quiet time to ‘just be’, made me a better Mom. And it is NOT selfish to take that time. It’s a MUST!”

        –Lisa Kramer, mother and grandmother-to-be,  Philadelphia, PA 

 

From mothers /grandmothers:

  • “Always be fair, humble and real!  Never set your kids up for perfection by living double standards! Admit when you’re wrong and ask for forgiveness of them!  Treat them with respect! Model what you want to see in them! Have fun and laugh with them! Really listen!” 

         –Barbara Jean Gordon, mother and grandmother, Scottsdale, AZ

 * * *

  • “Know, in your heart, that each child is unique and nurture that uniqueness. Encourage them to follow their own paths, free to explore the many faceted layers of their personalities. Try not to judge or give too much advice but rather sit back and watch them become just who they were meant to be. I’ve always called our house a ‘RHAT’ house, which stands for a house of respect, honesty, accountability and trust.  Instill these traits in your children by example and they will do you proud as they grow.”

           —Diane Polley, mother and grandmother, Essex, MA

* * *

  • “Too often we hear the words unconditional love in parenting. Yet, sometimes that word is misunderstood. As a mother of two adult children in their 40s, I’ve learned through the years that it takes a great deal of discernment when to be engaged, honest and diplomatic with your children, and when you need to let them go and let them be responsible for their own lives and consequences.  A mother’s love can be unconditional while she can also question or disagree with them. Authenticity and requiring respect is vital to a healthy relationship.”

         —Flo Gaia, mother and grandmother, Durango, CO

 * * *

  • “My children and grandchildren are among God’s greatest gifts to me. My greatest gift to them is ‘binding’ (i.e. speaking or declaring) God’s perfect will and purposes to them (in prayer). No greater joy for a mother/grandmother than this!”

          –Emily Gardner Foppe, Scottsdale, AZ

 * * *

  • “One of the most helpful things I learned from my “Real Love” studies was to not expect anything from my children.  My job is to love them unconditionally, and that is the greatest gift I can give them, and me! I am so much happier when I have minimal expectations.”

          — Karla Birkholz, mother and grandmother, Phoenix, AZ

* * * 

  • “‘SHOOT FOR THE MOON AND YOU ARE SURE TO LAND AMONGST THE STARS’! Like so many parents, my husband and I had sons with polar opposite personalities yet we applied the same common theme to both: Dream, Believe and Achieve what you set out to do. With our basic foundation of teaching self-respect, self-esteem, confidence and courage, the possibilities were endless! The Stars were right there at their fingertips! Now, as Grammy, I learned to gently pass along hints of advice and we hope and pray that with their own precious ‘miracle’ just maybe some lessons and traditions will be carried on. Most of all, in our fast-paced society, I encourage them to slow down, listen and be present…because Everything Else Can Wait!”

         –-Lisa Franklin, mother and grandmother, Topsfield, MA

 * * *

  • Mothers: We wear our hearts on our sleeves when we have children and are reminded of God’s unwavering love for all of us. Through every joy and sorrow, how deep is that Love!  Being a mother is both rewarding and challenging! Remember that each child is an individual, and the way you parent one may not be the same as your second child. They say that the child dictates the way you parent them, and in some sense that is true. Always be consistent and remind your child that you, more than anyone, has their best interest at heart.”    

         –Gloria Hawk, mother and grandmother, Atlanta, GA

 * * *

  • “Ahhhh…the journey of being a mother…and mothering!  Part of me wishes I knew then what I know now and another part of me deeply appreciates the ups and downs as a purposeful learning experience for me and for my children.  As a mother and now a grandmother, my advice would be to appreciate, integrate and consciously express the full beauty of who we are and to encourage our children to do the same.  Do the inner work to reveal and heal the parts and pieces that got lost or disowned through life’s challenges and welcome them home.  From this place, love the children and help them find the way to love themselves.”

         –Beth Scanzani, mother and grandmother, Rockport, MA

 

From a great grandmother:

  • MOTHERHOOD is miraculous…GRAND MOTHERHOOD is magical. This is where you CAN have your cake and eat it, too! They call me ‘Grandie”…and I give them cake by the ocean for breakfast. You have fun without the responsibility. When I have had three of them at the same time and they started to ‘act up’ I would say, ‘We need to regroup, three OMs with three deep breaths.’ It was funny but it relieved the tension. Now as teenagers, they roll their eyes but they still do it!  Great grandchildren: It’s difficult to believe when you become a great grandparent but even more difficult to believe when your CHILD then becomes a GRANDPARENT! And, life  continues to give you babies to smell and love. The gift that keeps giving!”

         –Ann Marie Salmon, mother, grandmother, great grandmother,        Salisbury,  MA

 

From a bereaved mother:

  • “Remember not to sweat the small stuff… pick your battles.  Kids have to win some too… and you don’t want regrets over silly things, if something ever happens — though I hope you never find out. Cherish and be grateful for every day with your children, no matter the age or the challenge.”  

        –Barbara J Hopkinson, Newburyport, MA (Founder, A Butterfly’s Journey To  A New Normal)

 

From an adoptive mother:

  • “I adopted a five-week-old son at the age of 45. The most profound lesson I learned was how much I could love him even though he did not grow inside of me.  He was always told he was adopted, and I would share with him that he grew inside my heart, not my womb. Telling him ‘I loved him’ was a routine expression.  At the age of three, he would respond, ‘Mom I love you very so much!” He is now 19-years-old and never hesitates to tell others he was adopted and to say, I LOVE YOU! Proud to be an Adoptive Mother!”

          –Sharon Saba Hildebrandt, Scottsdale, AZ

 

From a stepmother:

  • Be available to listen, advise and support your adult children as they raise their own children. Remember how hard it is to be a parent. Then enjoy being a grandparent!”

         –Susan Young, stepmother and grandmother, Beverly, MA

 

I wish I had all the wisdom of my friends above when I was a younger mother. The one lesson I learned in motherhood is to build community, particularly if you don’t have extended family nearby. Raising young children can feel so isolating.

Also, children need your presence more than your presents! Pause, a lot! Turn off the cell phones. Watch your kids play. Or better yet, play with them. You cannot go back and give your kids your missing time. With two young adult children of my own now, and my first grandchild on the way, I never believed my kids’ childhoods would go by so fast!

Happy Mother’s Day! Now, moms, let someone pamper YOU this week for all the years of care and sacrifice.

Thanks for your help collectively spreading the hard-earned and loving wisdom of your parenting years!

Hugs and blessings,

 

Gail

 

And I offer a special Mother’s Day thanks to my photographer friend Margaret Armstrong, who took the above photo of the zebras in the Serengeti National Park, Tanzania, Africa.  Here are her own thoughts on motherhood:  “Being a mother is a special bond, a heart string from mother to child to grandchild and now to my new great grandchild who I am so looking forward to meeting in October.”

 

 

 

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Oh no, the rabbit hole
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Tuesday, May 2nd, 2017

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”—William Shakespeare

Lying in bed sick with a bad cold, I could easily start spiraling down that “rabbit hole” of negative thinking. Some say we only have ten seconds to change our mindset when the less-than-desirable thoughts pop up.

An active lifestyle is my preference; laying low for extended periods of time is not. Yet, I’m using this downtime to catch up on life, meditate, read emails or listen to audios of other inspiring thought leaders.

I’ve learned over the years to imagine a big red stop sign in my mind when I feel despair or anxiety creeping up. “No” that scary or limiting thought is not allowed in, I tell myself. I intentionally choose a more positive thought, or call a friend to help lift my mood to a more positive outlook. Sometimes outside perspective helps refresh our memories of our strengths and goodness when we hit a moment of feeling low.

One of the quickest ways of sinking into the rabbit hole is by comparing ourselves to others. When we start making up stories about the grander lives others appear to have, we set ourselves up as victims. Victim thinking stops us from taking full responsibility to create the lives we want.

Two quick ways out of the rabbit hole are to pick up a pen and start writing down five things you are grateful for, then go out and help someone else.

It’s okay to have “off” days. Sometimes, we need to face some negativity to clear old conditioning from early years of life.

Why coaching helps when you hit “a rabbit hole”:

 “Almost universally, the experiences that cause people to feel stuck have roots in what are considered negative beliefs created early in life. And it’s precisely because they are subconscious that it’s often difficult for us to see them in ourselves…Ninety percent or more of our daily actions are responses that come from the reservoir of information we accumulated during the first seven years of life…The reality is that most of us learned our subconscious habits in an environment that was a mixed bag.” 

–Gregg Braden, The Spontaneous Healing of Belief.

Using my nearly 20 years of expertise in helping clients identify and shift those subconscious beliefs, I have witnessed many people dramatically and consistently change their lives for the better.

This month, through June, I am offering a specially discounted 6-session coaching package to help you live from a stronger set of beliefs that can defy or greatly shorten those rabbit hole experiences.

If you’d like to learn more, email me at gailjones@supportmatters.com and we can set up a free 15-minute consult. I also would be glad to send you recent testimonials of my work that incorporates the latest in neuroscience, where new breakthroughs in ways of changing a person’s mindset are occurring at a rapid pace.

Upward we go,

 Gail

The beautiful “hole”-in-the-tree photo above was captured by my friend Chris Young at the gorgeous Long Hill gardens in Beverly, Mass. Chris has a passion for photography and beauty (and he is also a great cook!).

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The one shift that can change your life
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017

 

“Choosing compassion over judgment expands our lives and hearts.”—Gail Kauranen Jones, Coach, Author and Wellness Pioneer

 

Many of us, knowingly or unknowingly, judge others upon meeting them. Often those judgments are based on past conditioning and have nothing to do with present reality.

For example, have you ever not liked somebody and were not sure why? Then, hours later, you remember he or she reminded you of someone from the past who may have hurt you or been unkind in some way? Hence, your judgment was only a projection of an old belief and not truly representative of the new person placed before you.

Consistently, I have become aware that each time I let go of judgment, I find a new gift. Sometimes, I go the extra mile and silently bless those who seem harsh or unkind. Other times, the people who I thought were most unlike me have become my friends. The diversity expanded my life, rather than shrunk it.

We grow by experiencing another’s worldview of life. By taking the time to be present, just listening and remaining in a state of wonder, we can receive incredibly inspiring insights from others.

Each of us has a story, or a wound from the past, that can get triggered by new connections we meet. If you find yourself racing to judgment, try pausing, centering in yourself, and sending compassion to those placed in front of you.

If you feel hurt by another, you may try what I do: I get down on my knees and pray to forgive those who attacked, criticized, ignored, dismissed or misjudged me. I also pray to be forgiven for the times I have done the same to others.

And don’t forget to give that same compassion to yourself that you extend to others. Sometimes the voices inside our heads are more critical than any external comments we hear. One of the most powerful books for increasing our sense of love and worth, which I referenced before in my blogs, is Self-Compassion…The Proven Power of Being Kind To Yourself.

Together–for ourselves, others and this world we share–can we approach each other with more kindness and gentleness and less harsh judgment? Discernment is important, but so is love.

When in doubt, ask: What would love do here? See how your world changes!

With compassion,

 Gail

I recently purchased the canvas photo of the magenta tulips pictured above, drawn to both the color and the flowers reaching up, which represents to me expansive joy. I later learned that magenta is a color of universal love, a perfect message to go with this blog post. I am placing the canvas on the walls of my new writer’s home for the summer by Cave Creek/Carefree, AZ.

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Daydreaming…
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Monday, April 17th, 2017

“I always wanted to know, and I always used to daydream, about what it would be like to stand on a really big stage and sing songs for a lot of people, songs that I had written…Daydreaming was kind of my No. 1 thing when I was little, because I didn’t have much of a social life going on.” –Taylor Swift.

Exhausted from a few weeks of intense activity, I gave myself a day off to do nothing yesterday.

I literally sat on a deck and stared at the mountains before me, took a nap, then got up and returned to the deck to view nature. The solitude felt blissful.

For a few hours, I simply daydreamed. Everything I wanted suddenly seemed fun and possible. Downtime felt more productive than all the proactive “doing” around my business and part-time jobs that help keep me social while writing my books.

When I lived in New England before moving to Arizona, I would call these regroup times “jammie days.” I would pray the Fed Ex man or a surprise visitor wouldn’t arrive at the door mid-afternoon and see me still wearing pajamas!

This type of respite felt extra special and cozy during snowy winters. In Arizona, staying inside on a sunny day feels a bit strange, yet most of us year-round residents do that in the summer to avoid the excessively high heat!

Something special happened during my recent self-imposed retreat when I awoke this morning. All my dreams and wishes suddenly became very clear. Obstacles appear removed, and I felt on-purpose. My vision board appeared more like a movie reel with life in motion versus a static poster with pasted images on it.

I stepped into action, knowing my next steps. The blocks that had deterred me suddenly made sense. Opportunities I had previously pursued no longer fit into the bigger picture of my life that emerged while daydreaming.

The new puzzle pieces were starting to fit together.   I began seeing who the “right” people are that I want in my life and business.

All sorts of intuitive nudges prompted me to reach out. I emailed a business acquaintance from Boston who knew and respected my work and a new person here in Arizona with solid entrepreneurial success. With their complementary expertise, the finish line towards my goals feels real and attainable now.

The day off was not the only thing that refueled me; it was the renewed commitment to living the life of my dreams.

I am curious how the Universe will support the daydreams I release to it today!

 

I wish I could share them with you, but for now I am going to honor this:)

Native American Legend

“If anyone desires a wish to come true, they must first find a butterfly and (without touching the beautiful, fragile creature) whisper their wish to it.

Since a butterfly can make no sound, it cannot reveal the wish to anyone but the Great Spirit who hears and sees all.

In gratitude for giving the beautiful butterfly its freedom, the wish will be taken to the heavens and granted.”

To new levels of freedom,

Gail

I took the above photo at Butterfly Wonderland…A rainforest experience in Scottsdale, AZ, where the graphic of the Native American Legend referenced above was also posted.

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Thank you…
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Tuesday, April 4th, 2017

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.”

— Meister Eckhart

I once heard it said that, if at the end of your life you have five good friends to count on, you are blessed.

Developing those types of rich relationships often takes consistent thought and care, extending deeper than the quick messages we send to the hundreds or even thousands of “friends” many of us have on social media.

Acceptance, forgiveness, shared experiences and being present to one another through both the good and bad times helps set the foundation of the more meaningful relationships that help enrich us through life.

Sitting on a deck writing this blog post, viewing the Arizona desert in bloom along with a gorgeous spring sky (as pictured below), I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the friends who have stayed by me through so many transitions.

Their love and support helped me refine my definition of abundance. I now believe to be truly “wealthy” we must have a sense of community. That type of connection is more valuable than any bank account.  Too many people live isolated and alone. Community, like a financial portfolio, can be built—at networking events, church, outdoor activities, volunteer opportunities, music venues, Meetup groups, or places where you connect with people who share your values or passions.

Recently, I had the good fortune to experience another element of solid friendship: being championed.

In a previous blog post I did something very uncomfortable, and asked for help bringing a creative project to fruition, after overextending my own resources as far as I could. Several people came forth helping me raise one-sixth of the total $3K needed to get my book fine-tuned into publisher-ready copy.

Sweet notes of encouragement were attached to readers’ PayPal donations and hand-delivered envelopes. While I am so grateful for the financial contributions, I was also deeply touched by connecting with friends and readers in a more intimate way. Those who wrote had a sense of my purpose, passion and tenacity in honoring my book’s mission of teaching the power of love in healing and prospering.

Their messages made me feel like a runner in the Boston Marathon nearing the finish line, with a cheering squad on the street sides. The final stretch of a creative five-year creative project like mine can be exhausting. I needed the extra body fuel of love to keep going and stay accountable to completing my book.

Many other friends who could not help financially encouraged me in their unique ways. Writing a book that includes one’s personal story is scary to bring to the masses. To have those special close friends I trust who urged me forward when I hit fear and doubt has been an incredible gift.

So, I thank you all for being a part of my life and dream.

Perhaps this study, a research in social psychology, will encourage you, my readers, to go thank someone today. You may be surprised by how rich you suddenly feel.

With gratitude,
Gail

NOTE: If you feel inspired to contribute towards my final book expenses, I would be glad to reference your name as a contributor in the acknowledgment section.  

To make a donation, you can email me at gailjones@supportmatters.com for my snail mail address or use PayPal. 

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Waiting for love…
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Tuesday, March 21st, 2017

“Pause to find the love in your center of being, before reacting or reaching to anyone outside of yourself.”

—Gail Kauranen Jones, Transformational Leader/Coach, Wellness Pioneer and Author

 

Waiting for love is a skill. Sometimes it means unraveling all our inner blocks conditioned from early years before we can open our hearts to others. Other times, it means zipping our lips, and centering within, until we can find the kind words to say to another.

Unfortunately, many of us were taught love as a “trading behavior” which looks like this:  If I do this for you, you will love me in return. I recently heard a woman in a group I attended say she so wishes she could meet her life mate so he could help her with the tasks of running her expanding business.

It is nice to get physical support. Two people are often stronger than one. I remember for many years as a single mom, with a large property to care for, craving such help. In fact, “acts of service” are one way people express love, according to the popular book, The Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman.  Yet, the more this woman talked about her need for help from her physical exhaustion, her pleas for love appeared to be more about seeking a rescue and looking for what she could get, versus give. Coming to love as an empty tank rarely helps us attract right and healthy partnerships.

If we learn to BE love first, and extend ourselves to another from that place of centeredness and peace, we can open to unconditional love. According to the Loving Groups of Phoenix, Arizona, which I attended for six months as research for my book: “Unconditional love means “unconditionally caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.” All else is imitation love, the group’s loving guidelines claim, stating:There is only one kind of love—unconditional love. Everything else is counterfeit. Anything we use for a substitute for unconditional love is imitation love. Through no fault of our own, few of us have either received or given much unconditional love, and without it, we have a terrible void in our lives.”

I knew that void very well. In younger years, I used to think someone outside of myself could make me happy. Or, that if I was just “good” I would be loved.   Like many other people-pleasers, I exhausted myself trying to prove my value by continually responding to others’ needs at the expense of my own. In the end, that approach wore me out, depleted my resources, and got me sick.

I spent a lot of wasted energy tiptoeing around others in fear of rejection. Or worse, I did too much reaching, pleading, and overcompensating by trying too hard to “win” others’ love. Giving away my power in that manner made me a doormat, and sadly, an easy target for others’ anger or disappointment.

As I claimed my worthiness and got smarter (or so I thought), I began speaking up. I would no longer live my life as a doormat. My needs mattered, and I was surely going to voice them. I set appropriate boundaries with those who mistreated or misjudged me, or who did not see me in the ways I needed to be heard, acknowledged and validated.

With the wisdom of years, and the deep faith journey that helped heal my exhausted body, I’ve learned another technique to deal with others’ unloving behaviors: I now pause, and wait until I can respond with love. The tone of my voice, and others’, has become increasingly important. Harsher tones, often expressed in quick reaction versus a thoughtful pause, seem demanding or judgmental. Criticism and being told what I do “wrong” now make me cringe and withdraw instead of stepping up to the plate like I used to do when challenged. By speaking softly and slowly, even when firmly declaring one’s wishes, we are often heard more.

In that pause of “waiting to BE love,” I now try to see the situation through the other person’s eyes. Practicing unconditional love, and accepting others, takes both vigilance and discernment. We can love those who hurt us AND also choose to step aside from the angry darts they shoot our way.

When I step aside now, I pray for those who hurt me and honor the space of discord as a time to send and receive blessings. Then, I surrender. I did my part by choosing to center in love. The rest I need to release; I cannot control another’s response.

It helps to know another’s “attacking behaviors” often have nothing to do with us. Rather, “attackers” are frequently hurting from a wound of early years, or stressed from a current life challenge not related to us, and they end up projecting that pain onto us, I learned from attending the Loving Groups.

I suspect many of us also have been on the other end and played the role of attacker at some vulnerable or stressful moments in our own lives. We all get triggered and sometimes it is easier to blame others than accept responsibility for our behaviors.

Often, the attacker is really a person in great fear, who lashes out to try to intimidate or frighten people, I learned in the Loving Groups.  This rush of power by attacking helps the attacker feel less helpless and afraid. Attacking behaviors can include:

  • Anger
  • Irritation
  • Feeling “hurt”
  • Expressing disappointment
  • Criticizing others
  • Insisting on being “right”
  • Sighs and other non-verbals
  • Sarcasm
  • Passive aggression like being late or “forgetting” to do something
  • Being defensive

It takes a lot of patience and strength initially to step aside from others who trigger us and instead center within ourselves for love. The “trigger” can be a family member, friend, significant other or even a telephone or electric company customer service representative who seems incompetent or leaves us on hold for way too many minutes we don’t have to spare.

Yet, can you imagine what a more beautiful world we would experience if we began every day with the intention to love all those placed in front of us, and to wait and center within to the love that is our birthright before responding to anything?

Waiting for love and pausing requires listening with care and concern, before we assert our needs.

This spring, I’m offering a special six-week special coaching package. Come step into the quiet with me, be heard and seen in powerful new ways, and learn the art of purposefully pausing to expand your heart in love. Sign up by March 30 to receive a discount.  To learn more, please email: gailjones@supportmatters.com or call 978-325-1911.

In loving patience,

Gail

The above photo of the dove “waiting” out the wind while enjoying the warm sun was taken in the backyard sanctuary of my friend Margaret Armstrong’s Albuquerque, New Mexico home. Margaret is an ordained minister with a passion for photography and travel.  I am grateful Margaret chose to share one of her latest treasures with us.

MAJOR UPDATE NOTE FROM GAIL: Talk about “waiting for love”: After FIVE YEARS, I just completed my manuscript “Cancer as a love story: Developing the mindset for LIVING” on the same day I got a clear body scan from breast cancer.

The book details my healing journey using the latest in neuroscience and other unique and powerful resources that help train the mind to heal the body.  I hope my book helps millions at diagnosis, or better yet, may it serve as a preventative tool so instead of one day hearing the dreaded “C” word for cancer, the focus is on “C” for care and compassion to stop one from becoming ill.

The book is now sitting on an editor’s desk, awaiting the resources for it to be fine-tuned into the excellent end product to which I am committed. I am in deep prayer for the final $3K-plus needed, after investing all I had (and more than I had) in time and money these past five years to honor the task that came as “a calling” in the middle of the night.

If you feel inspired to make a donation towards the final book expenses, I would be glad to reference your name as a contributor in the acknowledgment section.  

To make a donation, you can email me at gailjones@supportmatters.com for my snail mail address or use PayPal. 

Also, because the power of choosing love over fear is critical in helping all of us LIVE full lives—whether we had cancer or not–I’ve opted to make my “living from love and worthiness” section of the original manuscript a separate book. It is my hope within the next several months you will be able to purchase TWO books from me.

Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. I am so excited to share the deepest and most profound lessons of my life with you. The world needs our love more than ever…let’s keep elevating how we share it.

Blessings, Gail

 

 

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Laying low…
This entry was posted by Gail Kauranen Jones on Monday, March 6th, 2017

“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”

–Alan Cohen

I took a bad fall hiking two weekends ago, and had to continue walking almost another two miles on the nine-mile trail before reaching the base from where my friends and I started our adventure.

To recover, when I got home I laid low for a few days alternating between taking Epson salt baths and icing my legs.

At first the reprieve from being “a go -getter” felt restless, as I just wanted to be healed and beyond all this “sitting still” time my body was demanding.

Increasingly, I took these moments of self-nurturance to observe a few things:

  1. While I slowed down, the world around me seemed so much in a hurry. I began wondering why everyone was rushing. All those things I dashed about to get done suddenly seemed so meaningless as I took care of my body, which became my number one priority. As I have repeatedly learned through healing from breast cancer, the body cannot heal if it is racing about. It needs rest. I claimed rest for myself by sleeping in, moving slowly, and disengaging from others to “be” with myself.
  1. So many people sent me loving messages via social media, which was kind. I was grateful for the sweet notes. Yet, sadly, our instant mode of communicating has replaced the need for physical care. What I also really wished for was someone to bring me ice for my legs, soup for dinner, or to unpack the hiking gear and groceries from my car. Many of us are just “too busy” to accommodate one another in these ways these days.
  1. At the same time, I also felt great love from friends at a distance who called to see how I was doing. I hadn’t heard from many of them in a long time, and knowing I was injured, they showed concern. These “surprise” calls touched me deeply.

Bodily injuries (or illnesses) can make us feel vulnerable. It is okay to “need.” I couldn’t feign smiles when my legs were shaky and aching. Instead, I gave myself tender acceptance of my temporary fragile condition and didn’t pretend I felt all right when I was physically hurting.

In the process, I have gained a joy in softening, of not being the “strong one” anymore. I embraced the gentleness within that I so longed for from others.

The “old me” of driven years before would have found a way to hike the following weekend. The “new me” is relishing the slower space of using downtime to get caught up, to connect with friends in a more meaningful way, to rest by sitting in movie theatres watching some of the latest releases and taking long day trips where little walking is required.

Laying low is a great way to bring the pendulum of performing and continually “doing” back to center. I am not so sure I can speed up again too soon. Pacing life a few notches below my normal action mode makes me feel more abundant and content.

To the gifts of slowness,

Gail

The above photo, shot near Lake Pleasant in Arizona, where I was hiking when I fell, was taken by my friend Margaret, who also slipped that day.

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