September 26, 2007
Volume One
Issue Six

****

“Each of us has our own way of expressing ourselves.  Each of us has something special to give.  And it is important to value our own way of expressing ourselves—whatever it is.”—Sue Bender, author of Stretching Lessons…The Daring That Starts from Within.

****

As a young child, in school, I was a star performer.  I loved standing in front of a classroom, whether it was acting in a play or reciting a poem.  I was an excellent student, winning much praise from many of my teachers along the way.

Then, around age twelve, I became silenced by shame and the trauma of discovering my mother’s mental illness.  A few years later, she was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.  The joyful child called “sunshine” by her teachers became overly shy and withdrawn.  My mother’s illness owned me and became my “secret.”  As a result, I “disappeared,” making myself as invisible as I could.  I chose to do nothing to call attention to myself.  My survival was predicated on getting excellent grades and being good, trying to stay in the background as much as possible.  The part of me that loves to share, to play, to lead and have fun became buried.

I tried many times to resurrect that lost vibrant self through achievement.  I was the award-winning editor of my college newsmagazine, and later a successful public relations executive.  Still, inwardly I shriveled when called to perform in ways which were once natural to me.

My fear was exacerbated in my early days as an account manager for a public relations (PR) firm.  My boss would kick me under the table when I would attempt to speak at client meetings.  I allowed that physical gesture to further silence me, adding to my childhood shame.  Later, I learned that his kicking was not personal to me.  In meetings, he demanded silence of his younger staff so he could do all the talking.  Had I known in advance that his intention was to present the information alone, and that I was there simply as a back-up, I might have accepted being quiet and enjoyed the meeting.  Instead, I felt humiliated.

A few years later, when I started my own PR business, I took Dale Carnegie classes.  I won three speaking awards during that training.

Then, after re-entering the workforce following several years of being an at-home mother, I joined a business networking group.  One of the requirements was to make a ten-minute presentation about my business.  The first time I spoke publicly about my new career as a coach, I was shaking with fright.  A year after that, my first book was published.  I once again took to the podium, speaking to two hundred women in business.  This time, I got speaker training in advance which helped me perform better.  The wise words of our New England sage Ralph Waldo Emerson proved true.  He said, “All great speakers were bad speakers at first.”

Now, in my expanding coaching business, particularly in the seminars I lead, I am speaking in a new way -- from the heart.  No additional training required at this point.  I have long known how to create content, connect participants to one another, and teach concepts that accelerate learning.  The “stretch” is to give myself permission expressing my hard-earned wisdom spontaneously, without the use of notes.

I am learning to be more open and vulnerable in my visibility to reclaim that joyful child within who loves to teach and share.  Now when I stand in front of people, I am giving up my own self-imposed label as “the daughter of a schizophrenic,” who used to hunch in shame.  Her story no longer serves me.  Limiting thoughts and beliefs are never empowering.  Instead, I own and honor the wise woman I am who has made it through much adversity, and as a result, is able to guide others at a deeper, “knowing” level in reclaiming their lost selves, too.

Each time I step up or step out, what I intentionally silence now is the voice within that says I cannot do it.  Instead, I choose a new story of moving through the fear, remembering that a shaky voice is better than no voice.  My new realization is this:  it hurts more to hide than to allow myself to be visible.  I have gifts to share.  My greatest ones come from the heart, not a syllabus.

With joy,

Gail

Many of my clients have similar stories of becoming invisible through shame and childhood wounds.  These old stories no longer serve any of us in moving forward. Yet, we must honor them for the purpose they served and release them with compassion. 

To change our stories and create anew, we need to open ourselves and be willing to take risks of self-expression.  Each step we take towards a new direction helps rewire the brain for new outcomes.  Small, steady steps are best, according to Robert Maurer, Ph. D., author of The Kaizen Way, One Small Step Can Change Your Life.
                                                         
These new steps can include personal change as well.  If you have become single again and are learning to date, you may look at each outing as an adventure to discover new or unclaimed parts of yourself.  Or, if you have been overly cautious in one area of your life, you may try letting go of so much control, and explore the rewards of spontaneity.  If you have been a workaholic, you may try playing hooky more often.  Learn to move through the initial discomfort and give more time to your soul versus your logical mind or your checkbook.

However, there are times when you need to retreat and hold back, or perhaps seek solitude for inner reflection.  For example, when in a major life transition such as a career change, death of a loved one, beginning stages of separation or divorce, or the start-up of a new business, you may need to lay low to ground yourself again.  Instead of reaching out, find solace in nature, which can calm you, or seek group support through others in a similar life circumstance.

After time in a cocoon, a new self is often ready to be reborn.  Through gentle actions forward, you may start experimenting with who you have become.

Stepping up and out, and becoming more visible as your authentic self, has many benefits.  You can attract more financial success when you leave your safe inner retreats and let others know of your skills, talents and services.  You can create new communities of support when you extend yourself socially.  You can build or strengthen your self-confidence by sharing who you truly are with others.

Expansion is how we grow, stay enlivened and prosper.  Begin by asking yourself:  Is there a part of me longing to be known, understood, recognized, comforted or even validated? 

Take a risk, even if it is a small one.  Express yourself in a new way today.

BELIEF TIP OF THE MONTH:

If you have felt fear around becoming visible, you may benefit by seeing where in the past you were shamed while expressing yourself.  Did you have a teacher who criticized your artwork, which you thought was spectacular, but were told you were drawing outside the lines?  Did you have a controlling parent or other authority figure who reprimanded you harshly for making a mistake?  Have you lived your life afraid to look foolish?  Were you laughed at unfairly by other children at some point during your school years?  Did you not fit “the mold” of how someone else thought you should look or behave?  What did you make their opinions mean about yourself and your value?

Here are some new beliefs to focus on daily to help you activate new patterns of behavior.

COMING NEXT MONTH:

October’s feature article will be “What Staying Put Teaches Us” (or “You May Never Look at a Sick Day the Same Way Again”).

To contact Gail:
(978) 887-1911

gail.kjones@verizon.net

www.supportmatters.com
View Newsletter Archive